Soldier
by SansaEverlark
Summary: When Jasper told Bella his life story he edited it a lot. This is the unedited version. Rated a LOW M for a couple of violent scenes, some language and possible sexual content. Go on R&R, because everyone loves Jasper! Will have romance later on!ON HIATUS
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I'm only going to say this once because I always forget to put it at the top of every chapter but, sadly, I don't own any of this. That's right I own El Zilcho. Especially not Jasper (sob). Only the wording and possibly a few little scenes are mine. Everything else belongs to the one and only Stephenie Meyer.**

My heart pounded. I'd never felt so nervous in my entire life. I gripped the gun in my hands tighter, that helped stop my hands from shaking. I ran through all my training over and over again in my head. I started to doubt myself. Maybe Mother was right; barely seventeen was too young to go to war. But my father had always been supportive of that decision and I wasn't going to let him down now.

I knew what I was doing. Training had been easy; I had shown an aptitude for fighting right from the start. My first battle was not going to be my last as well. I wasn't going to lose my nerve and get myself killed. I fixed the thought of my family in my head, my parents, my little sister. I wasn't going to allow them or our lives to be destroyed just because the people from the north wanted to fight us. I didn't care about the reasons for this war; I just wanted to protect my family and the place I'd grown up in.

These thoughts gave me determination. I was going to see this through and I was going to survive. It also gave me the strength to kill my enemy...

That first battle I know I will never forget. I learnt two things that day. The first was that I was a natural at fighting. It was easy. In fact I was almost unnaturally good at it. I was probably the youngest man fighting that day and I was probably the best too. I put my very swift ascension through the ranks down to a mixture of my charm and my undeniable combat skills. I learnt quickly too which helped. I had soon mastered battle strategy, which made me an invaluable officer in the Confederate Army.

The second thing I learn that day was that I didn't like it. Despite the fact that I believed in what I was fighting for I never enjoyed it. I never hesitated. That would have got me killed and these men were here only to ruin the lives of those I loved. But I never enjoyed it as some did. It was necessary and I was needed so I did it. But I always tried not to remember the faces of my victims or the families they must have left behind.

That day is probably my clearest human memory besides the day I was changed. I looked back on it more than any other memory in the years to come. It reminded me who I was as a human more than any other. It reminded me of the values I had held before I was a monster. Back then I had been prepared to kill but only in defence of those things I held to be important. That was something I later held onto. That I only ever took lives out of necessity not ever out of enjoyment. It was a fine line but it held a great amount of gravity for me at a time when I had little to sustain me and nothing to hope for.

**Ok, that was just the prologue but I have a few things I want to say now and get it out the way.**

**First is that the second half of the prologue is told from the perspective of Jasper from the present day after everything is already in the past. The rest of the story is told more as if you are in his head as everything happens, if you know what I mean.**

**The other point is that I know very little about the Civil War (my excuse for this is my being English) and so if I'll try not to get anything wrong but no guarantees. Oh, and if I do make some inaccuracies I'll probably leave them that way because I've adapted it to fit my story. Sorry, but get over it. And the same goes for my lack of knowledge about Texas (seriously I had to get a map off Google to see where abouts Houston was!)**

**Anyway author's note over, happy reading!!**


	2. The Death of Major Whitlock

**Before we get into the main part of the story I just want to make a little announcement. I am dedicating this entire story to my friend ****Lillie!**** who introduced me to Twilight! Yes, I owe you for life. I even felt that a dedication wasn't enough so I named Jasper's sister after you too (different spelling tho, randomly!)**

My shoulder screamed in protest as I mounted up. It was going to be a long ride. The horse was excitable and eager for a long run. I pulled him up back into control, my shoulder burning again. Perfect. I kicked the horse into a fast canter and we left the city of Houston.  
I needed a rest. I couldn't remember the last easy-going day I had had. It had been a while since I'd even had a decent sleep. My body felt like it had been going a week non-stop without reprieve. Today had been trying. I had drawn the short straw and been assigned to escorting the evacuees. For the most part they had been cooperative but the slow pace had chafed at me all day long. I'd lost count of the amount of yawns I had had to stifle. When people talk about the honour of being a soldier they never mention the mundane acts and the boredom before the heroic battles. Not that battles themselves are really that heroic. They are required, I can see that, but they aren't as glamorous as people seem to think.

That was also the problem with being an officer, being put in charge of things like evacuations. Normal soldiers weren't concerned in things like that. If I were still an ordinary foot soldier or cavalryman I would be back at Galveston now, readying myself for the defence of the harbour. I wouldn't be riding from Houston exhausted and with a pulled muscle in my shoulder. The novelty of being a major had worn off a bit now. But deep down I knew that I only felt this because I was in an irritable mood. I would be appreciative of my position once I was back in charge of the men. That was the good bit, the bit I enjoyed.

I sighed. The cool night wind was refreshing on my face. It did a little to ease my fractured nerves. It didn't help to ease my injury though. It had been incurred due to the evacuees. One of the women had been on a horse that was too strong for her and when it startled she had of course lost control. I had gotten it calmed down for her but I had overreached and pulled a muscle when I caught it. It was because I was tense and because I was worn out. Still I could do without it just before a battle.

I wasn't nervous yet. The pre-battle anxiety would come a little later I knew. But right now, here in the middle of nowhere I didn't feel the threat. My main preoccupation at the moment was the pain in my shoulder that stabbed with every movement from the gallop. I let my mind wander in order to stop myself dwelling on the injury.

My thoughts strayed involuntarily back to my home, my family. It had been so long since I had seen them. I allowed my memories of our ranch to rise to the surface of my mind. I thought of it so rarely lately. It was only a small place. Just my parents, my sister and myself there. No body else except for a couple of dogs and horses. There had been a time not all that long ago when its isolation had chafed at me. And was I now pining for its seclusion? I suppose I was. I missed it; after all it was the place where I'd grown up.

My thoughts strayed a little further and I tried to picture what my family would be doing right now. Sleeping, no doubt. Or perhaps not. In her last letter my sister Lily had told me that out mother was plagued with fears about me being killed. It really wasn't that hard to imagine her sat at the kitchen table right now. That's what she always did when something was worrying her. It had always been my habit to go and comfort her in times like this; I'd always been able to calm her down even when everyone else failed. But tonight she would be alone with her fears…

I dragged myself out of that train of thought. What was the good of depressing myself? She would be fine and even if she wasn't there was nothing I could do about it now. I would make it up to her when I came home.

So, I thought about my father instead. I felt an involuntary grin spread across my face. He would have no troubles sleeping. At this moment he would be dead to the world. He had absolute faith in me that my military career would be success after success until I returned home to them. Regardless of what I did he would be proud of me. It was a comforting thought.

And then there was my sister, Lily. I felt a tiny twinge of guilt when I thought of her. My going away to war had inadvertently forced me to break a promise I had made to her. She's wanted to leave Texas for a long time now. She wanted to go West to California and the coast there. The man she loved was more than willing to make her dream a reality and start a life there. Our parents were yet to know of this. I had promised to help persuade our parents to let her go. And now I had abandoned her to broach the subject with them alone. Personally, I didn't really want her to move so far away but I wouldn't hold her back either. If that's what would make her happy then –

I was jolted back to the present as I caught sight of Lily with the corner of my eye. "What the hell…" I thought. But as I focused properly I realised it wasn't my sister at all, just a girl of similar height and stature. She wasn't alone either; two other girls stood with her.

I slowed my horse. They must be stragglers from the evacuation party. That meant that it was my duty to help them. I redirected my mount to head over to the trio but as we neared them he pranced to a stop, clearly unwilling to go any further, almost as if it had been unnerved by some sight or caught then scent of some predator…

I quickly dismounted and moved to approach the girls before I was stopped dead in my tracks. My breath caught in my chest and my heart sped up. My logical mind told me that my reaction was far to extreme to be justified but it was difficult to accept what I was seeing. The detached part of my mind put it down to exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

Now that I stood close to them they didn't look real. They seemed like distorted versions of women. But perfect though, oh so perfect. But perfection doesn't exist in real life. They looked as if they had been created out of the light of the moon, pale and bright and shining. Unnatural.

Every thought that had been in my head a moment ago was gone. I couldn't remember what I had been intending to do when I dismounted. I wasn't even aware that I had forgotten my purpose. I was just enraptured by the beauty in front of me. I was struck dumb by it. I could do nothing more than simply try to follow the conversation they were having with their captivating voices. I didn't understand it, I was aware that I was missing something vital. But it wasn't until the smallest one, the dark-haired one with that delicate musical voice sent the other two away that I felt any fear.

I shouldn't be afraid; the rational part of my mind registered that. I was a soldier, what had I to fear from a woman? But rationality seemed to have deserted this place and this night and what I had just witnessed had unnerved me more than anything I had ever seen as a soldier.

"I truly hope you survive, Jasper," she murmured softly as she leant in towards me. I wanted to recoil but I felt like I had been turned to stone or locked in place, mesmerised perhaps. That didn't seem so far from the truth.

And then her icy lips brushed my throat. I shivered at the touch, out of either the cold or the fear I'm not sure which. And then she bit me. I felt her teeth slide through the skin of my neck. It hurt a little but I was more affected by the shock of what she was doing. It was enough anyway for me to break out of my paralysis. I wanted to force her off me. I reacted instinctively. I jolted back from her, staring at her with eyes widened with horror. She merely stood there, astonishingly still watching me with a small smile on her lips. My hand went to the holster on my hip and my fingers closed around the handle of my gun, pulling it out. All this happened over a split second. It was reflex for me to defend myself this way. But then that second was past and the devastating pain hit me.

I know that I cried out in shock and agony. My hands clenched and the gun fired into earth. My knees gave way. I didn't feel it when I hit the ground. I must have pressed my hand to my torn throat because I saw with panic the crimson of my fresh, fundamental blood that was leaking away from me on my palm and I was helpless to cease the flow. The debilitating pain was exponentially greater than it had any rationale to be. It wasn't even centred at my throat anymore but crawling through me as if it intended to burn me away in my entirety. The pain and the confusion overcame me. My vision had faded; the pain had taken over all of my consciousness leaving no room for anything else. I was dying. There was no hope of any alternative. I had always known enough to see when I wasn't going to win a fight. I surrendered. I stopped fighting and I accepted it. I let it end. I blacked out.

**A/N I just thought that I better warn you that my life is a bit of a mess right now and my schoolwork is frighteningly demanding so I'll be updating a little less frequently. But don't worry I absolutely love this story so I will manage to write and update at the weekends at the very least. Also I'm working harder on this story to make it better than the last so that may slow me down a little but writing and getting your reviews makes me smile so much so I won't let you down, I just beg that you be patient.**


	3. Fire and Blood

My mind was empty of everything except those two awarenesses. I was like that for a long while. I had been unconscious before I remembered that. But I didn't really acknowledge it; it didn't matter. But I wasn't unconscious now, was I? No, I was awake and I was screaming.

It took me an unbelievably long time to get to that conclusion. It was hard to think through fire. I couldn't see. Sometimes my voice failed and I couldn't scream either. I didn't know where I was. I didn't know where I had been. I didn't remember my own name. I didn't recognise whether I was human or animal. Nothing really matters when you're in such pain.

I didn't note the passing of time either. I could have been in that state for an hour, a day or only the time it takes to intake one breath. I was only aware of the state I had been in at all when it changed.

The pain stayed at exactly the same pitch but my senses seemed to return. For a moment all I felt was shock that I had been in such a mess only a moment ago. Then that too faded and I listened to the voices. They were beautiful voices, somehow angelic but I knew better than to trust them now. Because with the return of my senses came my memory. It had been the owner of that beautiful voice that had done this to me. She sounded demonic to my ears now. I would have felt anger if I had the strength. It wasn't even enough for her to have taken my life but now she had done something to draw out my demise too. I wouldn't have lasted this long on my own without some intervention. I gritted my teeth against the continued torturous agony and the growing ire in me.

I didn't try to open my eyes. There was nothing I wanted less than to see that sadistic fiend. I tried to calm my ragged breathing and I prayed to God. I prayed for death. And justice.

I felt the smallest glimpse of hope as my mind faded again. But death didn't come, only the same fever-like condition I had just risen from...

I did get death although not of the kind I wanted. I didn't get justice. The pain faded eventually but I knew I wasn't dead. I could feel a strange detached excitement. It was odd, I had no reason to be excited and the emotion didn't feel like it belonged to me but it was there nonetheless.

I took stock of what I knew of the circumstances. No pain; that was a relief. I was breathing, which was a good sign. My heart was still, which was not such a good sign. I though about that for a moment but as it definitely didn't seem about to start and I could come up with no explanation for my beatless existence I moved on to what else I knew. I could hear the sound the wind makes as it brushes over dry ground; I reflected that it must be a strong wind for me to be able to hear it so clearly. I could also hear someone breathing nearby. Very close judging by the sound and by the scent. I could smell this person almost painfully clearly. At this point I got sick of not understanding anything around me and I opened my eyes.

I had been lying on my back so the sight of the ceiling above me wasn't unexpected. However the clarity unnerved me. I could see every line and scratch on the decrepit wooden beams. I had never seen wood like it before; it was like someone had picked out all the natural variation in the colour and grains of the wood and had exaggerated it. And now that I looked at the wood I recognised that I could smell it on the air too. How could I smell the wooden ceiling when I was lying on the floor? Now that I thought about it I could pick out the scent of the dusty earth, the fragrance of the stone walls, the lingering hint of horse on my clothes.

Completely disturbed by my own senses I jolted upright. And then flinched as the excitement crashed over me with the weight of a boulder the moment I moved. I turned to see a blond girl in a white dress leap to her feet and race from the building. I got a blast of her scent as she passed me. As she reached the door she called out a name: Maria. She had been one of the girls from last night. Or at least the last night that I remembered; I wasn't sure how much time had passed. My throat was burning with thirst so I concluded that it must have been a while. With her exit the overwhelming excitement I felt faded, almost as if she had taken it with her. Maria had been the one who had done this to me. I scowled; I didn't like not understanding. And my throat was burning.

Her scent forewarned me before I saw her. I identified it as not being the blond girl. I stepped outside of the small building; we appeared to be in the middle of nowhere; there was no sign of anything at all. Except for her. The one who had bitten me. The one who had been in command of the others. They had called her Maria. She ran up to me and stopped a few feet away looking at me appraisingly. It was good that she didn't come any closer because I wanted nothing more than to rip her apart. The pain was too fresh in my memory and I wanted vindication. But she seemed unaware of my fury because she smiled a satisfied smile, as she looked me up and down.

"Yes," she murmured to herself, "I knew he would turn out a good one, I don't think he'll disappoint." Speaking about me as if I couldn't understand her only served to fuel my hatred and anger.

"What the hell did you do to me?" I snarled as I stepped towards her. My voice surprised me a little; it wasn't how I remembered it. And much to my chagrin she didn't seem at all intimidated by me.

"I made you useful." She responded calmly. "But that wasn't the answer to your question was it." She was enjoying this I could tell, it was like she was playing her favourite game. I wanted nothing more than to attack her and hurt her. But I held back, she was still a woman after all and I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Your throat's burning isn't it?" It wasn't really a question so I didn't answer her. "If you do well I'll reward you and give you want you need to stop the burning…at least for a little while." All this was said with a sinister, evil smile on her angelic face. Smiling didn't really make her more beautiful; it just made her look more wild.

I frowned; all this wasn't making any sense. I still felt like I was missing the crucial point. I felt her amusement rise. That too was odd. How the hell could I feel her amusement, and the excitement of the girl before? It wasn't enough to coax me into speech again.

She seemed to be waiting for me to speak but I held back everything I wanted to say. This might be a game to her but I wasn't going to play along.

Finally she grew impatient. "You don't seem very curious, do you?" she snapped at me her eyes narrowing. "Maybe that's a soldier thing. I suppose you're taught not to ask questions. Well I'll tell you the answer you want to know even if you're being stubborn. You're a vampire now. Get used to it." And with that revelation she turned abruptly and strode off in the direction she came.

I stood just as still as before. My mind tried to reject and deny what I had just heard. But instinctively I knew it wasn't a lie. It fit with everything that had confused me before. It explained all the changes and the other earthliness of the girls that night. They hadn't seemed human and they weren't. And now neither was I. I raised my hands to my head and ran them through my hair, surprising myself as I did it. That was such a human gesture and now I wasn't. I wasn't the same type of creature as my family anymore. I couldn't call myself their son or brother when I was a completely different kind of animal.

How the hell could I go back to my old life now? Everyone would see the differences in me I couldn't hide it. I glanced at my own hands. They were the same alabaster pale as Maria's and the other girls had been. That if nothing else would raise suspicion when everyone around here was inevitably tanned by the intense southern sun. And then a worse thought hit me. What about the burning in my throat? Vampires were blood drinkers, I knew that much. The sensation was so intense, would I be able to control myself around humans even around my family. Or would I just kill them. Or turn them into vampires too like Maria had to me. It would have been better if Maria had killed me.

Almost as if on cue the sun emerged from behind a cloud at that moment. I yelled out in shock. I glittered. More like some precious stone dug out of the ground than a living creature. I heard Maria laughing. She had stopped and was watching me struggle with what she had transformed me to. I stared into her dark eyes that gleamed from her sparkling face. Why had she done this, what was meant by making me useful?

With a motion of her head she indicated for me to follow her and then took off at that inhuman speed. I hesitated for only a fraction of a second in indecision before resolving to follow her. Well, what other option did I have, she was the one with the answers. So I began to run after her.

I was glad of my choice just because of the sensation of running if nothing else. My spirits soared. My speed was incredible. This was easily the fastest I had ever travelled in my life. I could feel myself begin to grin. Perhaps there were upsides to my transformation. I drew level with Maria easily. She was pleased to see that I had chosen to follow and that I was clearly enjoying myself now.

The run ended far too quickly. Before long I could smell others. I recognised the scent of the blond girl amongst them. But Maria stopped before we reached them. She turned to me, stared into my eyes for a moment and then she explained...

After I knew everything about being a vampire, why she had changed me and what I would now be Maria introduced me to my new brothers. There was five of them, six now that I had joined. They had already begun their training and now I would join them. These were my new comrades. I instantly disliked them. They were violent and full of irrational hate. I nearly drowned in it as I first approached them. I wanted to leave at that point and not become one of them. But Maria had told me how a lone vampire would not last long in these wars.

I was impressed by how calm Maria was around them. Their violence and anger instantly put me on the defensive but she was completely unafraid. And they all quieted respectfully as she approached. I was beginning to think my anger towards her was unjustified. The other soldiers seemed almost worshipful of her.

And then I was amongst them. They were wary of me at first. But I could feel the fight lust in them growing. I think they wanted to test my strength or maybe to attempt to show off for Maria. One of them was particularly reckless. I could feel how he was devoid of the wariness the others possessed. He was tall, about 6 foot 3 like me. He had dark hair like Maria and had an arrogant tilt to his head. He wanted to fight.

His eyes skimmed over the uniform I still wore. "A Major, huh?" he commented a little scornfully. I felt my muscles tense unconsciously, readying myself to fight. "Don't expect us to treat you with any deference here, boy." He snarled derisively.

My temper rose. I felt my lip pull back into a snarl of my own. I could feel a growl building in my chest. Ok, so this man was probably older than me, I was accustomed to being the youngest around. But that didn't mean I was prepared to take this man's condescending shit without proving him wrong. In fact I positively relished the idea of putting him in his place.

He was laughing now, anticipating my reaction. I didn't reply to his words even though a part of me wanted to. I was going to catch him off guard and move without warning. I'd show him who he was messing with. Without even thinking about it I was already strategising my first move. It was an act of habit I suppose. He expected me to lose my temper and leap straight at him. Well, I wouldn't be doing that then.

I feinted to the left and he jerked that way too, surprised that I hadn't attacked head on. I moved as quickly as I could and caught his arm and twisted it behind him. I meant to just immobilise him by pulling his arm into a painful angle but I underestimated my strength. His arm snapped clean off in my hand. I threw it aside. My mind told me to stop there but my anger was out of control. I fell upon my opponent and ripped him apart, using both my newfound strength and unbelievably sharp teeth. And I enjoyed every second of it.

I only calmed down when there was nothing left but small pieces. I staggered to my feet, horrified not so much by the death but my complete loss of control. I'd never been in a situation before where I wasn't in absolute control of myself but I'd felt like a wild animal in that fight. It struck me then how I really wasn't human anymore. I wasn't even something close. The four other men held back from me now. I could feel their surprise at what I had just achieved and I could also feel that they were impressed.

"Nettie, dispose of the pieces." I heard Maria drawl. I whipped round to look at her expecting to see either anger in her eyes or the boredom her voice had held. But instead her eyes were burning with a feverish excitement. Again she indicated for me to follow her and walked off.

She led me a little distance away before turning to face me. "Well I knew all along you would be a success but I never dreamed that it would happen this fast. You really are a natural, aren't you? You don't even fight like a newborn. Perhaps I shouldn't leave you in amongst the other boys, as you're clearly superior to them in skill. I'll have to think about that." She mused in her melodic voice. I was surprised; I could feel no anger in her at all.

"Why aren't you angry that I killed one of your soldiers?" I asked her. She smiled at that.

"I must admit that it is a bit inconvenient that I will now have to replace Nathaniel but I am not going to begrudge you that when you've turned out to be just what I was hoping for. I have a feeling that victory is going to be easier with you on our side. I'm not going to punish you for that fight; I'm going to reward you Jasper. Wait here."

And with that she turned on her heel and raced off. I watched her head towards a distant patch of trees. I turned to look up into the sky. It had clouded over again, which I was a bit relieved about. Watching my skin glitter like a living diamond was unnerving. I felt like I had a headache even though my head did not actually ache. I felt weary but I wasn't tired. Maria had said I would never know tiredness again. And my throat was still burning like I had drunk fire and scorched the flesh. It all felt a bit surreal; it was too much to take in. I kept waiting to wake up, probably after being injured in battle or something. It all seemed like the kind of thing that my mind might invent as a fever-induced dream. But deep down I knew this was real. There had been no injury, just one single life-altering bite. I wasn't going to have the luxury of waking up.

My head snapped up as the most wonderful of all scents reached me. I looked in that direction to see Maria carrying a woman back towards me. A human woman. As she neared me she said,

"I had been intending to give this to Harrison for his progress but I think you've earned it more." She dumped the woman back on her feet in front of me. She stared at me with wide eyes. She looked to be in about her mid-twenties. I could feel her fear laced with a kind of transfixed fascination. Maria had mentioned the physical perfection that came with being a vampire and I had seen it in the others if not in myself yet. I knew that it was my beauty that held the woman stunned, it was testament to it that it overrode the horror she must feel at seeing my vivid red eyes.

I didn't really consider any of this. Because at her scent the burning in my throat trebled and for the second time that day my control left me. My mind went blank. I don't remember moving at all. I do remember how it felt that first time that I sunk my teeth through the soft thin flesh of a human's neck. I remember the warmth of her blood on my tongue. I remember the taste, more delicious and more satisfying than anything I had ever tasted as a human. I remember how she struggled for a moment against me, her hands scrabbling at my shoulders as she tried in vain to throw me off. I remember how she went limp as I drained her. I remember that when I dropped her body to the ground I didn't feel any remorse for taking her life only pleasure at the lingering taste in my mouth and relief that the burning had ceased.

**Wow! That was the longest chappie I've ever done!! I'm quite pleased with myself. I hope it pleased you. **

**Please review... I'm not as confident with this story as with my last one and I'm having trouble with the next chapter (grrr!) and your comments really help ;-)**


	4. Author's Note! Sorry!

**Sorry!!!**

**Ok don't hate me for this but I am sort of putting this story on hiatus.**

**I am doing this because after some of the comments I got for this story made me think that I need to rethink that direction it's taking. I won't bore you with the details but I'm rethinking it and I will come back to it I just don't know how long it will take me to make these changes.**

**But… it's not all depressing because if any of you still want to read my stuff then I have a new story in progress. It's kind of random and it's AU but anyway check it out, it'll only waste as few minutes of your life.**

**Sorry again, but it is necessary!**

**I feel bad that I've let you guys down and I do love everyone who reviewed or alerted etc.**

**-Tor xxx**


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